How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.