Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
The sun is just a big space heater.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Green glass globes glow greenly.