Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.