Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!