What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Summer went swimmingly this year.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.