Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
"Sip, sip hooray."
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
I only have ice for you!
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!