Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Shell-abrate the good times!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Time to spruce things up.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.