We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
That was thaw-some!
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.