I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
He threw three free throws.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?