France – it’s just a oui bit different!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Give me some pigskin
She sells seashells by the seashore.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Better read than dead.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.