Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.