How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.