What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.