Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.