Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I have a heart-on for you.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.