A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I love you from my head tomato
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"