What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Beer-lieve it or not!
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
You seem a little mer-mad.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.