My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!