What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
I followed my heart to you.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.