Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I love you meow and forever.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.