A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
I’m elf-taught.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
You are spud-tacular.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket