Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Case in punt
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.