What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Pirates Private Property.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry