I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Metaphors be with you.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Can I Alp you?
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.