My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I’m soy
into you.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.