You snooze. You booze.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Don’t be elfish.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
"Lazy bones."
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.