I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
One more thyme.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!