I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
I fence-y you.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
They say everything gets better with age.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.