Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.