When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Hold on for deer life.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.