What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
You’ve been working too yard.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.