Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Tropic like it's hot.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
This is one spray-cation to remember.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat