Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Birch, please.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.