Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
After all is sled and done.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"