Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I'm the life of the paddy.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
"Just one hot chick."
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.