What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
You have a pizza my heart.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.