What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
This foundation is rock salad.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers