Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
I have the final sleigh.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!