What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
The calm before the score
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
It’s a winterful day!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.