Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Girls just wanna have sun!
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Drink happy thoughts.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.