What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
We are mint to be.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Dublin’ the fun.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday