How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.