Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Just brew it!
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
I feel tail great!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Green glass globes glow greenly.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!