Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!