Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan