I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
You’re wine in a million.