Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.