What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.