I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.