I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
I “lub” you.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Broken pencils are pointless.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.