All stereos are so typical.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Believe in your elf.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.