History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Snow on and snow forth.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
"It's wine o'clock."
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Treat yo shelves.