Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
You seem a little mer-mad.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..