Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Go big or go gnome.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"