What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Burst into cheers!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.