What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Join us for plenty of play action.
I like you a latke!
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times