A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Whatever floats your goat.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.