Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Paddy like a rockstar.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Stay true to your shelf.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Eddie edited it.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!