What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.