The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.