The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
You are spud-tacular.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!