The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
We’re mint to be.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Beauty is only pig skin deep