Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.