I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
You are spud-tacular.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.