My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."