What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
I call the shots.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”