How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.