What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
I only have ice for you!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.