Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Irish I had better jokes.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.