I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I pitcher us together forever.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.