The pint’s the limit.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
I’m kind of a big dill.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Octopus ocular optics.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What a spud muffin.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I fence-y you.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Donut even think about taking another donut!