Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
It's lit.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...