Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Look for a rainbow connection.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.