The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
People are always after me lucky charms.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm