A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
I think therefore I yam.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
How rude-olf of you.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I really hate straws.
They suck.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.