Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Your good weed for the day.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!