I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.