I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.