What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
"Partners in wine."
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
You’re my heartthrob.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.