Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Icy what you did there.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.