Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.