Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
"Sip happens."
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.