A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
I whale always love you.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.