Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Yoda one for me!
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
My weekend is fully booked.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.