Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.