When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
You shamrock my world.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Say it ain’t snow.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.