What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
"You can't beat me."
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Resting Grinch face.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!