If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Sleigh, what?!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.