Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.