What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Don't get tide down.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
All clover the world.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!