What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Wear green, or leaf.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her