What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
All punts are highly intended
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
That’s a bit mulch.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance