This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.