Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I told you snow.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak