My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
"No wine left behind."
We’re calling your number.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.