What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!