My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.