What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.