Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
"Say you'll be wine."
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!