Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Dublin over in laughter.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
"Sip happens."
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!