Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Tropic like it's hot.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Are you squiding me right now?
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.