Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.