What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Broken pencils are pointless.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”