What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Pirates Private Property.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.