What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
I fence-y you.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Come witch me to the party.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C: