Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
We’re a perfect mash.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.