When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
You’ve been working too yard.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).