“You’re my soul Santa.”
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
I like you a latke!
I love you a tot!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.