If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
I fence-y you.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
As it snow happens.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Thank brew very much.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.