What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Fir sure.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Time to spruce things up.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.