It’s Fall coming back to me now.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.