What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!