Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Up to snow good.
Rebel without a Claus.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.