How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Water you doing, my friend?
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.