What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Better read than dead.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
I’m very frond of you.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I wood never leaf you.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.