Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
"Here for the right riesling."
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.