The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!