I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I loaf you.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.