It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Beach you to it.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!