What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.