What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Fishing you a happy day.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.