A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I like you a latke!
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.