While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Treat yo'elf.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles