After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Give me some pigskin
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
"Sip, sip hooray."
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Everybody romaine calm.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.