Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Resting Grinch face.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.