My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
"Read between the wines."
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Rebel without a Claus.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.