Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.