Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Mooning is very ASStrological