What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Irish I had better jokes.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.