What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Snow thank you.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Icy what you did there.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!