What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'