Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
"Sip happens."
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".