Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I'm acorn-y person.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.