Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Snow thank you.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.