Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Drink happy thoughts.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Irish I had better jokes.
It’s snow joke.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Live to tell the tail.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.