Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
We’re a perfect mash.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!