Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
"Having a good hare day."
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
You knead me in your loaf.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
"I've found some bunny to love."
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Deja brew all over again.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
"That's all, yolks."
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!