Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
How rude-olf of you.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?