What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
You sleigh me.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
How Rudolf you to say that!
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.