There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
when I’m with you.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.