2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What a spud muffin.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
You octopi my thoughts.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.