What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Come witch me to the party.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.