What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Fishing you a happy day.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk