What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Believe in your elf.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."